Mentally Ill

Staying up to complete an essay.

You know it's time to sleep when 4 cups of coffee and a Redbull don't lift the weights off your eyelids.

I realise you can be physically tired without being mentally tired but you can't be mentally tired without being physically tired. The mind drains the entire being.

Physical tiredness is easily dealt with. When you're physically tired, you sleep.

But when you're mentally tired, you think sleep would do the trick but it never really does. Sleep only gives you the physical energy to deal with your mental tiredness, which tricks you into believing that you're okay when in fact, you're still mentally drained.

Maybe this is how mental illnesses begin.

Uncertainty

Life is plagued with uncertainty. It makes me feel insecure.

So I try to do something, anything, to tip the probabilities in some direction, that I may have some sense of certainty.

But life is a rebel. It follows no one's plans. It disregards your goals. Its outcome may not reflect your efforts. 

It remains true to its essence - uncertain.

So here I succumb to life's uncertainty, not because I have broken free from my insecurities, but because I am at a dead end. I never had an option.

All I can do is to try to enjoy the ride, even if it breaks me.

The Beast

I woke to the sound of loud drumming. Red lions danced outside my window.

It reminded me of when my grandmother used to bring me around the neighbourhood of my father's hometown to catch the lion dance. Legend has it that the scary lion head, the colour red and the loud banging of the drums were meant to scare the beast that attacked the villagers on Chinese New Year. 

But it scared me instead. Maybe I am the beast.

The Malay Idiom that Describes My Life

I am no longer a big fish in a small pond. I've been thrown into a vast ocean called law school.

Except this ocean is drying up and the puddles are few.

So I flip about for dear life.

Nyawa-nyawa ikan.

Swimming

I don't know what possessed me to go swimming tonight. Something about the calm glistening waters that lures you to jump in.

Struggled through 1 lap then dragged my feet back home.

I was reminded of 3 things:

1. It's rather daunting underwater in the dark.
2. But so magnificent to look up into the glittery night sky as you drift across the surface of the waters.
3. The voice in my head that vehemently reminds me of how much I dislike swimming is almost always right.

Legs be wobbling.

The Night Sky

I dreamt of the night sky again. The stars lit the darkness like spilt glitter. The void surrounded me yet I was comforted.

The planets lined up to greet me. I could breathe in the vastness of the sky. I could breathe. The beauty of it all was so vivid, I was happy. I didn't want to wake up. 

But then I did.