Only Human

Most people yearn for significance. We push ourselves at everything in hope of achieving something. We hope to be worth something and to have something to hold on to, something we can call ours. For some people, they discover their fortes early in life so growing up is just achievement after achievement. Of course they have their own issues too, but I'm not talking about those right now.

For awhile I thought doing well academically could be my forte. Sure, I'm good at a few other things, but I don't excel in them. I clung on to this belief that academics could be my thing because I saw potential in myself. Mostly, I felt it had more to do with hard work than smarts. Perhaps it isn't so hard right?

So every time I get even a B+, I'd flip. In my most recent set of results, I got more B+s than what I'd consider acceptable according to my standards and my 'standard' states that I cannot have more than one B+. This really broke me because it hit me that I'm really just average...again. This realisation is in real conflict with my perfectionist syndrome.

After such horrifying results, I decided I had to let go. I had to stop letting it define my worth and make it my thing, because it's not. I had to stop treating every B+ like a dagger through my stomach or I'd be dead before I graduate with a degree. Few weeks after receiving those results, I pushed myself into writing again, just hoping to bury myself in my world of words and find my worth.

I know I've been putting my worth in all the wrong places. I've allowed unstable frivolity to define me, pressuring myself unnecessarily. Knowing is one thing, changing is another. It is difficult to recalibrate such thoughts. It is as if I just found out that I'm only human. Now I have to learn to accept myself for who I am.

PS: I'm not giving up my spirit of excellence. I'm just cutting myself some slack and learning to be more realistic.

PPS: I thought long and hard about whether to post this on the www because being this honest makes me feel vulnerable and I'd hate that. But when I struggled with this, I felt better knowing I wasn't alone. Maybe someone going through the same thing would read this and find comfort knowing he/she is not alone too.

Idiot

My internship has begun and it has been absolutely fun. For now. Maybe except for the countless scientific journals I have to read. Just an update for those who don't know, I'm doing research work for National Neuroscience Institute.

Yesterday we had a meeting and I met my big boss for the first time. He was talking to us (probably about something important) and the whole time I was so distracted, unable to concentrate on what he was saying because I kept thinking, "Concentrate on what he says, concentrate on what he says." Then he asked a question.

*looks to fellow intern*

I really am an idiot.

Benefit of a Doubt

A common thing we often do is apply our own beliefs and ideas to others. We judge according to what we know and how we perceive things, overseeing the possibility of external circumstances. This brings to mind a story told over the pulpit of a company boss who had an employee who wasn't meeting expectations.

His work often came in late. He was disorganized. The word lazy stood out. By right the boss was to fire him but he decided to look into the matter first. Turns out the man was struggling with terrible family and financial issues. Before, he had always been a hard worker. In such a situation, it is easy to think that he was just lazy. We hardly consider other possible reasons.

Do work, you're hardworking. Don't, lazy. Talk to someone, friendly. Don't talk, unfriendly. Early, responsible. Late, irresponsible. Good results, smart. Bad, stupid. Do we ever pause to consider other reasons? Is everything according to what we know alone?

I should clarify that I am absolutely not condemning such behavior. I am in no position to say that it is wrong. It is normal, but it doesn't make it right either. I record this down only as a reminder to myself to try to be more understanding.

The worst thing about being understanding though, is that sometimes it makes everything harder. I think it's worth it to offer people a little fairness before settling on a conclusion that could lead to unintentional harm.

Jerks

Wish upon a lantern.

I hate it when people are unfair, then they tell you to deal with it because "life's unfair".

You already know that life is naturally unfair, why do you have to make life even more unfair than it already is? Jerks.

That's like saying "People are going to screw you up, I might as well screw you up too." What kind of philosophy is that?

Humankind are becoming more detestable. Sometimes I wish I weren't human.

Black Hole

There is this phenomena where everything that goes missing in the house suddenly turns up days/months/years later when a certain someone decides to clean her desk (and that is only if you're lucky). I call it the black hole.

Everything just gets sucked into nothingness. Once you lose something and there it goes, no matter how hard you search, you will never find it. Not unless the creator of the black hole pulls it out herself.

My follow-up theory is that if I am ever in danger, the black hole would make an excellent place to hide. I should try hiding there one day. It could make an interesting experiment.

Midnight Snacking

Risotto nero, one of my favourites!
(though not an accessible midnight snack...sadly)

There's this little competition every night between your stomach and the rest of your body; between falling asleep and getting hungry. You have to sleep before you're hungry or you're going to have a bad time. Sometimes I pass the mark and I'm sleepy and hungry at the same time.

At moments like that, sleep wins because I'm too lazy to get out of bed, I've already brushed my teeth and I just want tomorrow to come quickly so I can eat for the day. But oh, the horror of having to sleep hungry. It is torture.

You know what that means? Extend food intake period! Midnight snacks for the win! Case closed. (As if I need another excuse to eat. Ha ha ha.)

An Enemy Too Close

It always begins with a thought. It could be small, ridiculous and irrational so I brush it away. But it's still there. Then everything that follows begins to deceitfully justify that thought. Before you know it, you believe it. That little thought that wasn't properly discarded lingered and grew.

At DG today, we read that distorted images empower ideas. I can relate to that. If you let a potentially harmful idea remain in your head, it's going to behave like a lens that distorts every image, falsely proving your silly thought. It becomes a filter that hides the truth.

The more these thoughts are fed, the more self-destructive you become. You sabotage your relationships, your happiness, yourself. You become your worst enemy, an enemy you trust the most and could never suspect.

Some go on to play the game of blame. Some, I hope, recognize it before it's too late. Me? I'm just constantly trying to save myself from myself.