Aisle and Window

I'm on an aisle seat of a bus at 5.28pm and we all know it's blazing hot. The bus is equipped with air-con so it shouldn't be so bad but oh, it is so hot! There are two air-con vents (thank you Jon!) for every two seats right? But Ms. Window Seater has kindly adjusted both directly at her face and rest of body. Good thinking! I'm thinking, 'That's cool...' *laughs at my own joke*

I look around me and all window seaters are hogging both. I see their hairs dancing to the rhythm of the cool air that caresses them while mine sits in the humid still air. I'm hoping some cool air would bounce off her to me but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. 

I sit up for as little contact with my seat as possible, so less heat is generated, and skew slightly towards her in the most non-awkward way possible. I'm thinking, 'Cool air, caress me! Take my body!' but nothing. I now accept my fate and bask in the glorious heat as it squeezes every drop of water it can from my already dehydrated body. Lovely.

Here's a self-reminder to consider poor aisler whenever I'm the windower.

Nosy and Noses

I really like staring at people. I like observing people. I should really rethink that because I once had the privilege of catching two people dig their noses on the train, one after the other in one ride. Their fingers were deep into their nostrils, twirling vigorously like a drill as if to expand their holes. One even rolled her booger between her fingers after that. What is wrong with people, seriously?

I also like eavesdropping. It's just so interesting to hear the things people talk about. Once I heard two guys talk about how this rich princess of a girl expects the guy to pay for everything when on a date and that he doesn't have that kind of money. I also heard a man tell a child that the rafflesia is a creature. How interesting.

I especially like looking at couples though, mainly because they always look the happiest. Their faces look so smitten, staring into each other's soft gaze, smiling and laughing and whispering. I used to find it really disgusting but I guess when you're in a relationship, you begin to understand it and become more accepting of such things.

Just to clarify, I'm not the nosy-squeeze-gossip-from-everyone kind of person. I just enjoy analysing behaviour. Now that I've scared everyone, well good, it's going to be interesting to see how you behave around me. Haha I'm such a freak. I'm kidding okay. Don't freak out...much. Just stop digging your noses in front of me. (Or at least use a tissue) That's so disgusting I can't even unsee it. :/

Only Human

Most people yearn for significance. We push ourselves at everything in hope of achieving something. We hope to be worth something and to have something to hold on to, something we can call ours. For some people, they discover their fortes early in life so growing up is just achievement after achievement. Of course they have their own issues too, but I'm not talking about those right now.

For awhile I thought doing well academically could be my forte. Sure, I'm good at a few other things, but I don't excel in them. I clung on to this belief that academics could be my thing because I saw potential in myself. Mostly, I felt it had more to do with hard work than smarts. Perhaps it isn't so hard right?

So every time I get even a B+, I'd flip. In my most recent set of results, I got more B+s than what I'd consider acceptable according to my standards and my 'standard' states that I cannot have more than one B+. This really broke me because it hit me that I'm really just average...again. This realisation is in real conflict with my perfectionist syndrome.

After such horrifying results, I decided I had to let go. I had to stop letting it define my worth and make it my thing, because it's not. I had to stop treating every B+ like a dagger through my stomach or I'd be dead before I graduate with a degree. Few weeks after receiving those results, I pushed myself into writing again, just hoping to bury myself in my world of words and find my worth.

I know I've been putting my worth in all the wrong places. I've allowed unstable frivolity to define me, pressuring myself unnecessarily. Knowing is one thing, changing is another. It is difficult to recalibrate such thoughts. It is as if I just found out that I'm only human. Now I have to learn to accept myself for who I am.

PS: I'm not giving up my spirit of excellence. I'm just cutting myself some slack and learning to be more realistic.

PPS: I thought long and hard about whether to post this on the www because being this honest makes me feel vulnerable and I'd hate that. But when I struggled with this, I felt better knowing I wasn't alone. Maybe someone going through the same thing would read this and find comfort knowing he/she is not alone too.

Idiot

My internship has begun and it has been absolutely fun. For now. Maybe except for the countless scientific journals I have to read. Just an update for those who don't know, I'm doing research work for National Neuroscience Institute.

Yesterday we had a meeting and I met my big boss for the first time. He was talking to us (probably about something important) and the whole time I was so distracted, unable to concentrate on what he was saying because I kept thinking, "Concentrate on what he says, concentrate on what he says." Then he asked a question.

*looks to fellow intern*

I really am an idiot.

Benefit of a Doubt

A common thing we often do is apply our own beliefs and ideas to others. We judge according to what we know and how we perceive things, overseeing the possibility of external circumstances. This brings to mind a story told over the pulpit of a company boss who had an employee who wasn't meeting expectations.

His work often came in late. He was disorganized. The word lazy stood out. By right the boss was to fire him but he decided to look into the matter first. Turns out the man was struggling with terrible family and financial issues. Before, he had always been a hard worker. In such a situation, it is easy to think that he was just lazy. We hardly consider other possible reasons.

Do work, you're hardworking. Don't, lazy. Talk to someone, friendly. Don't talk, unfriendly. Early, responsible. Late, irresponsible. Good results, smart. Bad, stupid. Do we ever pause to consider other reasons? Is everything according to what we know alone?

I should clarify that I am absolutely not condemning such behavior. I am in no position to say that it is wrong. It is normal, but it doesn't make it right either. I record this down only as a reminder to myself to try to be more understanding.

The worst thing about being understanding though, is that sometimes it makes everything harder. I think it's worth it to offer people a little fairness before settling on a conclusion that could lead to unintentional harm.

Jerks

Wish upon a lantern.

I hate it when people are unfair, then they tell you to deal with it because "life's unfair".

You already know that life is naturally unfair, why do you have to make life even more unfair than it already is? Jerks.

That's like saying "People are going to screw you up, I might as well screw you up too." What kind of philosophy is that?

Humankind are becoming more detestable. Sometimes I wish I weren't human.

Black Hole

There is this phenomena where everything that goes missing in the house suddenly turns up days/months/years later when a certain someone decides to clean her desk (and that is only if you're lucky). I call it the black hole.

Everything just gets sucked into nothingness. Once you lose something and there it goes, no matter how hard you search, you will never find it. Not unless the creator of the black hole pulls it out herself.

My follow-up theory is that if I am ever in danger, the black hole would make an excellent place to hide. I should try hiding there one day. It could make an interesting experiment.